Sometimes life just sucks.

I can recall the saying as a teen, ‘Life sucks, and then you die.’ Growing up influenced by the apathy movement in the early nineties instilled that saying. The thing is, no one really believes it… It is just a teenage angst thing — everything is supposed to get better… right? No — sometimes it doesn’t.

I was and still am a firm believer in working hard, and hopefully, things will work out and get better — even though my life has been a fucking shit show for the past five years. I actually thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel — yeah, that was a mirage — things have once again gone south yet again.

What the hell am I talking about? What could possibly be so terrible — wow, where to begin… My husband and I have been married for seven years — in five of those years, my husband (who is a fucking saint) has had to take care of me. It all started with my being unable to conceive, which is devasting enough — but it gets worse. I tried two different fertility doctors and discovered I had basically zero egg reserves. We tried IVF using fresh donor eggs, but it failed. That sent me into a very deep depression. Things started to get worse female-wise in 2019 and escalated in 2020. At first I noticed that sex started hurting- -I even mentioned that it felt like ‘my side wall of my uterus had caved in’. Then the bleeding started. I have NEVER had a normal period, but this was next level. I would bleed all month and stop for a day or two. It became extremely concerning when I would bleed through the thickest tampons in less than 30 minutes. Needless to say, this made me extremely weak, and I became extremely anemic. I got worse during the height of the COVID pandemic — basically, going to the ER was pure hell. The doctor at the Emergency Room told me to go to my OBGYN ASAP. The doctor I had seen for years retired, so I had to find another doctor. After suffering a quack who was more interested in selling overpriced vitamins and operating a ‘health spa’ I finally found a doctor who was able to diagnose my rare disorder. I have no clue how they missed it but, I had a fibroid the size of a softball in my uterus. The doctor scheduled me for a DNC as exploratory surgery, and the results were not good. The type of fibroid I had is extremely rare — most women get them in their late 60s. Mine was interwoven into the muscle of my uterus. We tried to treat it with puberty blockers and advanced breast cancer medication to see if it could be removed — — that failed miserably and wrecked my body in the process.

The end of this horrific medical journey seemed to be reaching its conclusion as I had decided, fuck it all — I want everything removed. I wanted a total and complete hysterectomy. Meaning the removal of my uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and cervix. I had the procedure done on August 29th of this year.

Mind you, I am only 43 years old. I have never had children, something I wanted more than anything in this world. My mother died of stage four ovarian cancer at age 60 back in 2014 (she had all of her equipment). Her cousin Debra died six months earlier than her with the same thing — the thing is, she had a total hysterectomy. So I can still get ovarian cancer even though the ‘MFers’ are gone.

As I was saying, the doctor told me he couldn’t believe what he found after the surgery. My uterus was THREE times the size it was supposed to be — well, it was so bizarre he took pictures so I could truly understand what was inside of me.

My husband and I affectionately named this thing the monster Imhotep because the images the doctor had taken previously looked like it had a face like the mummy screaming in the sand. By the way, if you don’t understand this reference — please watch The Mummy, for goodness' sake.

Back to my story — I thought it was all over — Imhotep had been defeated and excised, and I finally felt alive. Over the past five years, I had ZERO energy — it felt like my life was sucked out of me. I was so overjoyed, I won.

My recent post-op visit was shocking, to say the least. Just a little background: I am now on hormone replacement therapy; I take 2 mg of Estradiol once daily. I assumed that the swelling in my calves, ankles, and feet was possibly due to that and that something would go away. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. My doctor was extremely alarmed and said something was very wrong. (Just what I wanted to hear) He believes I have bilateral deep-vein thrombosis in both my legs (yes, both, which is rare). So, this Thursday (October 26th, 2023), I am scheduled to have a Doppler venous ultrasound.

On November 6th, I will be turning 44 years old. I have never had a child and never will. I have not lived an everyday life like others — something has always been wrong. Now, after all of this time — I was getting it back — a new chance. A chance to enjoy my marriage, to live — really live. That has been shattered, and depression is beginning to overtake me.

Nothing can quite compare to hearing, from the doctor and nurse, how serious this situation is… I am trying very hard to keep my chin up — but it keeps getting harder. I used to believe in God — I find it difficult to believe anymore.