Being Childless and facing the holiday season.

The holiday season is not a particularly fun or happy occasion for most people and couples who are childless, not by choice. I used to love Christmas — I always dreamed of going out and fighting to get my kid or kids that popular toy and watch my husband try and assemble it. Unfortunately, that is a dream that will never come true.

Having children is something I personally believe people take for granted. Believe me, being unable to have one is one of the worst feelings and situations you will ever experience.

There are support groups for almost everything nowadays…except those who cannot conceive. They have groups where they lump those who are barren with those who are doing IVF — which, in my opinion, is really fucked up. You are putting people with no hope of ever conceiving a child with couples who still have a chance — that is just wrong on so many levels.

As I said, there is little to no support for those who cannot bear children.

Being unable to conceive is not uncommon actually; believe it or not — it is a growing silent epidemic. Women my age and younger are finding out for some reason or another that they will not be able to have kids without some form of scientific intervention. I could go all ‘Alex Jones’ about why I believe this to be the case. I personally believe that the HPV vaccine is partially to blame, and I took two different birth controls that the FDA pulled off the market: Yaz and the birth control patch.

I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be… but the startling number of women who are unable to conceive is astounding.

I am not a very social person, but before everything went to shit almost six years ago… I did get out often, and it was shocking how many women younger than me told me they just found out they couldn’t have kids because they had low to zero egg reserves (that was one of many issues I had). Meeting one or two people isn’t that alarming, but almost every person I came into contact with had a close friend, family member, or client who was unable to conceive. That is a bit too often to be a mere coincidence. Anyway, I believe down the road, we will eventually find out why this has happened, especially as more people discover they can’t have kids’ surfaces.

Back to the main point of this story, the Christmas season. Yesterday, my boss needed me to record a Christmas message for her clients (I am a freelance radio news anchor for Dallas and Chicago and a traffic anchor for the DC area and Louisville, Kentucky).

I had no idea what to say as a holiday greeting — I had to ask her to write me a script. It was just an odd feeling.

My husband and I haven’t been able to celebrate the holidays because of how sick I was the past five years and the depression I was in coming to terms that I will never be a mother. (oh, and for those out there who say — you can adopt — shut up. I freaking wish. I hate to say it, but you can abort a baby with no issue, but to bring a child into your home is not easy. And no, I have NEVER had an abortion. Do some research on the adoption process — both private and foster to adopt… it is horrible. I have had friends who have taken care of a child only to have it ripped away from them and given back to their druggie parents or parents of the druggie parents. I can’t imagine bonding with a child and then having it taken away. That is an example of the state foster and adoption program, private adoption… you better have a LOT of money. It is expensive, and there is a LONG waiting list. And you better have the squeakiest cleanest background on the planet with damn good credit — otherwise, nope.)

Back to my story, being ill and depressed made the holidays suck. I am hoping that will change, though. Now that I have that tumorous grotesque ‘Imhotep’(yes, it looked like the Mummy sand scene) uterus out of my body and all the other plumbing removed, I finally feel better. Imhotep was slowly killing me. I was terrified because of the finality of having everything removed, but I was shocked to find that I quickly recovered my strength and my life. Not being able to move around a lot because you are constantly bleeding and anemic and having a giant softball — by the time it was removed, a coconut-sized fibroid tumor in your uterus really impacts your life.

I hope to come back from the darkness of not being able to have a child. That is a battle I will always fight, and when I refer to being exiled… it is true. Try conversing with someone with children; when they discover you don’t, it gets awkward and quiet.

All I can say to anyone experiencing this is to build a strong relationship with your husband…that is what saved me. Find things to do as simple as watch wrestling together, go axe throwing, watch NASCAR, and go to a race (I actually fell asleep at a race; the engine sounds are very soothing). Find a hobby you can both enjoy and keep your spirits up. It is a tough road; I won’t lie — the cards you were dealt are shit, but sometimes you have to try and make chicken Caesar salad out of it.

Hopefully, one day, there will be help for people like us — support groups and counselors specializing in the field. Until then, hang in there and live your best life despite it all.

I don’t know if I will ever like the holidays, but I aim to try.